I'm pretty passionate about teaching my children how to cook. I never learned how to cook as a child; my mother didn't like cooking (she actually owned a cookbook called "The I Hate To Cook Cookbook") and so she didn't think about teaching me how to make anything. But I've always had an interest and after taking a home economics class in the 8th grade, I taught myself how not only to cook, but found that I love it. And this is a skill that I want to pass on to both my kids.
I mentioned that once a week over the summer, I'm having the kids cook dinner. I let them chose what we eat, they help with the shopping, and they cook it all themselves, to the best of their ability. Of course, I'm there to help-especially with heat and knives-but for the most part, the goal is for them to do it themselves (and the bigger goal is for them to be self-sufficient adults who can grocery shop and cook without batting an eye and won't be calling me from their dorm room asking how to microwave Spaghetti-O's).
So how to get started having your kids help out in the kitchen? Start Young. Both of my kids have been helping in the kitchen since they could stand on a stool. Start with simple things like whisking, stirring, wiping the counters, and measuring ingredients. As they get older, give them new, more advanced skills. (Don't fret if your kids are already older, they too can learn, promise.) Which leads us to... Don't Underestimate Them. Kids are capable. I personally find this set of skills pretty accurate, but of course, as with anything, consider your child's personal ability and maturity when making decisions about what kitchen skills are best for them. (But totally remind them to wash their hands because, they're kids and they are germ traps.)
Lay The Groundwork. Make sure they understand how to read over a recipe, make a grocery list of what they need, and plan out their meal. All these steps add up to successfully being able to make that meal!
Let Them Take the Lead and Let It Go. This is harder for some people (ahem, ME)then others. When you let kids cook, there will be mistakes and messes and you just need to hold your tongue and let them enjoy the process. But also...
Make Time For Clean Up. Clean up is part of cooking and make sure your kids know that and help. Maybe there will be less of a mess next time! (probably not, let's be real.) Indulge Them A Bit. For their Thursday menus, I encourage my kids to chose foods they like and are healthy, but I let them chose a dessert of their choice too. Teaching them balance, even at a young age, is part of the life skills they'll need of a happy healthy life!
Anne of Green Gables, L. M. Montgomery. The Anne books are always what I pick up to read in between books. I've read the entire series multiple times. I love these stories and can't wait to pass them down to my children. I sort of try to live by the mantra "What Would Anne Shirley Do?"
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo. I read this book this past spring and was completely inspired by it. I've already done the clothes part of the book (we ended up with about 20 bags of clothes between the four of us!) and plan on going through the rest other steps this winter and spring. I don't thank my shoes everyday, but the idea of only having things that "spark joy" is amazing.
Dorthea Lang, A Life Beyond Limits, Linda Gordon. I've admired Dorthea Lang since I was a teenager and am excited to get into this biography of her. I read the introduction and I'm saving it for holiday reading!
Masterminds and Wingmen, Rosalind Wiseman. This book is written by the same author of Queen Bees and WannaBes. It talks about how boys think, the struggles they are facing, and how we can help them through it. I've been continually reading this along with whatever else I'm reading (I read more then one book at a time.) and love the ideas it presents about rising a son.
A few days before school started, Ava and I sat down at our kitchen table with a bead set. On strings, we strung a rainbow of beads: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, flanked by white beads for clouds.
"Let's make best friend necklaces. That way when I'm at preschool, you can touch yours and think of me. And I'll touch mine when I miss you."
Ava was so excited to start preschool. She had longingly watched her brother go for the past four years and was excited to have a teacher and a classroom. The first day, she had her outfit picked out, and trotted off with out a tear or a look back.
"Good bye! I love you! See you later!"
I had been nervous. Although she's super outgoing and friendly now, as a baby and toddler, she had been painfully shy, terrified to be away from my husband and me. I was worried that some of that would resurface starting a full day preschool program. Even as she's grown in personality, she's always been a homebody. But she had a great first day! In fact, she had a great first week! She couldn't wait to get back on Monday! And Monday-also fantastic!
And then, things weren't so awesome anymore.
It started with a note from the teacher (her teacher writes notes to the parents everyday about how the day went). It mentioned that she was missing her mama and had been a little sad at school that day. And this continued. And then she was crying everyday at school. She wouldn't play with friends. She started crying at drop off and the relief on her face when I picked her up in the afternoons was obvious. She started crying at night at dinner, knowing she had to go back. She'd cry herself to sleep every night and all through breakfast in the morning.
"Mama, I just miss you SO MUCH at school." her little voice would say, choked with tears.
She was utterly miserable and I was heartbroken.
Slowly, over about a two week period, we were able to help her through her separation anxiety. Here's what worked for us:
1. Talking about feelings and going over the day in words. Her teacher would work on this with her at school by reminding her that she was at school to learn and play with friends and that it was okay to feel a little sad at first. At home, we would remind her about how mama always came back to get her. We would talk about the fun things at school and about her sad feelings and how it was alright to feel sad and nervous.
2.Communication with her teacher. We are so so so lucky that she has a fantastic teacher. She was great at communicating with us how the day had gone, what we needed to work on, and she kept her expectations of Ava clear and kind. She spent part of circle time talking about their "job" at school, and encouraging Ava to play with friends-even assigning a buddy to her to help comfort her.
3 & 4. Asking for help. I'm a problem solver; asking for help does not come easy to me. But I was at a loss with how to help my child, and I knew my thoughts of taking her out of school and quitting my (brand new) job to do homeschool preschool were unreasonable. So I talked to one of best friends, who was not only a preschool teacher for years, but also a shy child herself. She had some solid great advice, along with a very firm stance that Ava WOULD be okay and get over her separation anxiety. I needed to hear that. She also introduced us to this video:
This video seriously changed things around. I told Ava that one of her Auntie's had sent her a video that she thought might help her feel better about school. When she watched it she stopped crying and a huge look of relief came over her face. She looked at me and said, "Oh Mama, Auntie understands just how I feel." We've watched this video every single school morning since.
5. We had to have a loving, but firm talk about school. There came a point where we just had to sit down with her and firmly say, "You are in preschool now. Mama or Daddy is ALWAYS there to pick you up. Your teacher cares about you and wants to help you, and your new friends want to play with you. We want you to go to school and do the best you can today." We told her that we would walk her in, get her settled, and give ONE extra kiss and then we had to say goodbye. I don't think sneaking out is ever a good idea when leaving a child, but a prolonged good bye is almost equally bad. A quick loving goodbye was really essential.
6. A sticker chart. And finally, we did a ten day sticker chart. For everyday she didn't cry, she put up a sticker. At the end of ten days she got to pick out a little prize. The first couple stickers were hit or miss, but once she got into her groove, that sticker chart and the idea of a prize really helped motivate her. And at the end of the ten no cry days, we haven't had any tears since.
What didn't work: 1. Books about separation. When she first started getting upset, I pulled out our trusty copy of "The Kissing Hand". I thought that the story of the little raccoon would help her. She loved the story, but for all the wrong reasons. She would focus on the illustration of the raccoon crying about being away from home. "I know just how he feels." she would say. I also tried "Llama Llama Misses Mama." The story basically was her school day, from being sad at drop off to crying in front of everyone. She burst into tears just hearing the story.
2. Walking to school. We live close to the school, so for the first few days we walked. But once we left our home block, the walk became an anxiety ridden trek. Every step was hard, tears would fall, all the kids we walk with would repeatedly (sweetly!) ask her if she was okay, which she WAS NOT, and by the time we got to school she was in full blow melt down mode. Dylan has continued to walk with his group of friends, but I started driving Ava and it made a big difference. She gets a few extra quiet minutes at home with me, and the car ride is time to herself. By the time we get to school she's ready to see her teacher and start her day.
3. Play dates after school. We live in a very old fashioned neighborhood: all the kids play together outside until the street lights come on-literally. Kids are in and out of each others homes all the time. Ava is friends with a couple little girls on our street. But afterschool, even now where she is happy at school most days, she needs quiet time. She needs that time after school for family and at home. And I'm happy to give that to her. We save playdates for the weekends.
Separation anxiety with your child is hard stuff, but the number one thing you can do? Shake it off. Know that it will pass, know that you are doing the best you can, and that your little one (and you!)will be okay.
She comes down in an Elsa dress-up dress, leopard print converse, and three bracelets. She asks for a braid, of course. To complete the Elsa look. I braid her hair and we load up in the car.
We pull into the grocery store parking lot. I help Ava unbuckle from her car seat and she hops down from the car into the parking lot. We hold hands as we maneuver across the asphalt. As we get closer to the store, she always asks, "Can I sit in the rocketship cart?!"
"Of course," I say.
I reach for one of the bulky carts with the plastic rocketship seat. It's blue today, and hard to move. I manage to get it out, and pick her up and place her in front of one of the wheels.
"Blast off!" she cries, joyfully.
"Blast off!" I repeat back.
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The rocketship cart is cumbersome. It's annoying, in fact. Giant and yet not enough actual cart space for all the groceries. But every week, we use it. It brings a ridiculous amount of joy to Ava. She loves grocery shopping with me; she is always happy and cheerful and polite at the store. She drives her rocketship, she writes her own lists, she helps pick produce and cereal. I am happy to give her this cart in exchange for a happy shopper. I am happy to let her ride, because it won't be long before she is too big for the rocketship cart. And I want to hold onto to these little things for as long as I can.
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Ava dresses herself everyday. She's done this since she was about 2 1/2. Many days she chooses dress up clothes. Elsa, Ariel, Rainbow. Crowns, sunglasses, gloves. Hair bows, usually more than one, mismatched socks on purpose. She inspects each outfit in detail and is always satisfied with how they turn out. "I look stylish!" is a daily refrain in our home. And with confidence like that, she's allowed to wear those clothes as we run errands.
She gets looks sometimes, and very occasionally comments. But I have no desire to take away her confidence in her choices. I have no desire to take this carefree, complete and utter happiness from my child. Not ever. Because it's likely, someday, she'll want to wear what everyone else is. She'll follow the trends of teenagers, and not want to go to the grocery store with me. But until then, we'll walk hand in hand through the grocery store parking lot, with a crown on her head and talking about choosing the color of our rocketship cart.
Next week, summer vacation will finally begin for Dylan. We had possibly the most hectic, jammed pack month ever in the history of our family last month and we are so ready for summer break to start. SO READY.
After the insanity of last month, my husband and I decided that this summer is going to be a slow summer. And the truth is, we almost always decide this. Summer, especially for school age children, is such a fleeting few years, that we try to just let it be a true break for our kiddos.
For our family though, because I work from home and my husband works long hours outside of the home, we still need some sort of routine in place. So I've put together a list of our Slow Summer Plans.
1. We aren't signing up for anything. There are so many amazing options for camps and activities during the summer that it's hard not to want to sign up your kid for them all. But we aren't signing up for anything officially: no Boy Scout camps, no summer dance class, no vacation bible school or science day camp, I'm not even signing up for the summer reading program at the library. Because I don't want to be tied to a schedule that I will come to resent. So we'll go camping as a family, we'll dance in the kitchen, we'll do science projects at home, and go to the library when it works for our schedule.
(My only exception to this will be swimming lessons.)
2. Get up early. I like the idea of sleeping in, but when it comes down to it, I'm a morning person. I can get a lot of crap done before 10am. So my goal is to get up early M-F and get some work done in the quiet, and then go for a run before my husband has to leave for work.
3. And speaking of quiet, we will have quiet time everyday. Ava still naps everyday, and I'm going to take her nap time and have both kids have quiet time everyday. Dylan will be allowed to stay up later this summer, but he's not one for sleeping in, so a rest period will be essential for everyone. Plus then, I can have two quiet hours everyday to work in the afternoon. Or even nap too.
4. Fridays will be my prep day. I try to do this now, most weeks, but have really been hit or miss lately. I like to take Friday and do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, and laundry, plus food prep and meal planning for the week. This makes everything SO MUCH easier and the weeks I don't do this and do it thoroughly, are always tougher. I like to start the weekend with a clean house, food in our fridge, and clean clothes in our closets.
5. Disconnect for part of everyday. I have gotten into a bad habit of checking my phone all the time. I check on orders, I check on emails, and I check on social media. And I need to stop checking so much. Yes, all this connection is helpful and everyone does it, but there had to be a limit. And I need to check myself. So, no phone or computer from 6-9 everyday for me. I got this idea from Teaching Sam and Scout (where she also has a summer list like this; which I just realized that my list here is nearly identical too. I LOVE that blog. She's a smart lady :).).
And finally...6. We are going to embrace the ice cream truck. I have always been a big downer about the ice cream truck. I'm the first to say no, to roll my eyes at the music. I think it comes from growing up in the country where such things just didn't happen. It always feel like a waste of time and money. But you know what? My kids eyes light up when we buy them ice cream from the ice cream truck. They always appreciate it. Plus, a Mr. Softee truck drives right through my neighborhood. We are going to enjoy that and not feel bad about it.
I hope you have the summer that is best for you, whether that means a slow summer like us or one packed full of fun activities!
Last weekend, the kids and I flew home for a wedding. While I was there, I got to see all my girlfriends and their children.
My best friend's daughter, a beautiful, smart, vibrant five year old, cuddled up to me and with sparkling eyes said, "Auntie Michelle, I'm going to be Elsa for Halloween! I love my costume!"
The excitement of the holiday bounced off of her. She rejoined the other kids and they talked about their costumes and trick or treating.
Later in the weekend, when Halloween came up again among the adults, my best friend, the little girl's mother, sighed and said firmly, "I hate Halloween. It is the worst."
This is not because she is a stick in the mud. She doesn't hate fun, or costumes, or children. But her beautiful, smart, vibrant, five year old has a peanut allergy. And that makes Halloween with all of it's "fun" size Reese's peanut butter cups, peanut M&M's , and Snickers* stressful and, frankly, scary for their family.
Let me be clear: my children have absolutely no food allergies. I can honestly say that I thought very little about allergies before we found about my friend's daughter. Of course I had heard of them. You can't pick up a parenting magazine without it being mentioned. But I didn't think much of it. I probably at some point, in our life of not worrying about food labels and epi-pens, even might have had a passing thought that all this allergy talk was overdone. I certainly had sympathy for families with these issues, but it just wasn't part of everyday thinking.
But then, when my friend's daughter was diagnosed with her peanut allergy, I woke up. We'd go out to dinner or pick up snacks for a playdate, and I suddenly, sharply was aware of how hard it is for allergy families. It's not an inconvenience; it's, and I don't in any way mean to be dramatic, a massive health issue. Food allergies are hard, endless work for the people and families dealing with them.
In our non-allergy family, we have established a few rules that we hope help others who do have eating limitations due to allergies:
1. ALWAYS ask if someone is allergic to anything before offering any snacks or sharing food. Double check with their parents too.
2. If someone you know has food allergies, be kind. Put away all foods that they can't have in the cupboard and don't bring them out or ask to bring them out when they are visiting.
3. If we are taking treats to school, make sure to find out if there are any allergies in your class. Bring a treat that EVERYONE can share.
And since I see this as an argument all the time in articles about allergies, let me say, because we have always followed these rules since my son started school, my kids have never once felt "deprived" or "that things aren't fair" or that their "right" to eat peanuts/gluten/egg whites** has been taken away from them. They just feel they are being courteous to their friends and helping others stay safe.
This Halloween, we are participating in the Teal Pumpkin Project. We'll have candy to pass out, but in a separate bowl, we will have non-food treats for kids as well. We'll hang the pdf printout of a teal pumpkin (you can find it here) on our door too, so families can know they can ask for treats without feeling like the biggest drag on the planet.
I'm encouraging everyone to participate in this. Read this article and pick up some non-food treats. Let's make Halloween fun and safe for everyone.
**In four years of being in a classroom structure, we have seen kids with these allergies in school with Dylan. Look around. I would bet that someone you know is working through these issues everyday. Be kind, be courteous and teach your children the same. And if an allergy parent is not kind or courteous back to you (another argument seen frequently on articles about allergies)? That is also a life lesson. Not everyone is pleasant, allergies or not. Don't allow a few people to speak for everyone with food allergies in their family. Another thing to pass onto your kids. :)
This past weekend, we bought a new birdfeeder. We placed it in a tree in our backyard that we can see from our windows. We filled the birdbath underneath, and watched as two little bird ate, drank, and then began building a nest in our lilac bush. A home surrounded in sweetness.
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Both my kids have a things for birds. They have a game they play where they build "trees" from blocks and fill up "nests" made from baskets with old Easter eggs. They place tiny plastic birds in the eggs and help them "hatch." It's charming and sweet.
"Look mama, the mama bird built a house for her eggs!"
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I've been thinking a lot about the homes we make for our children. I've tried to make a home where my children are loved and respected, where they can learn, where jokes and laugher are. A place with trust and kindness and joy. I've tried to make a place where there are expectations to be met, and just punishments, and forgiveness. A place and people they can count on and know that they can always, always, always come home to us. (But they better have their own place by 22, because, come on. I also want them to be independent.)
I feel that this nest we are building, one bit at a time, is a solid one. That it will stand the rain and the wind, and predators. I hope this. The husband and I were talking the other night about just staring at our children as they sleep, thinking over the things that we may have done wrong that day. Did we raise our voice, lose patience, snap when we didn't need to? Almost always, there is something. But we talked about what was done right that day. Did we hold hands, read a favorite story, give a hug, wish them a good day? These are things that happened everyday, no matter how much patience is lost or what kind of edge is in my voice, these things happen everyday at our house. And they'll be done tomorrow, too.
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Birds build their nest, lay their eggs and do their best to hatch them well. The mothers will often go without food or even water to protect those eggs. The fathers will attack those that are larger than them without thinking twice to keep those eggs safe. They feed them and care for them. And then they teach them to fly and let them use those wings
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This is what I want for my children. A strong home, that we have build, one part at time, protecting them from those that wish them harm, and letting them have wings, surrounded by sweetness.
My baby boy started first grade this morning. He was happy and ready to go back; confidence fairly dripped from him this morning. He chose his own clothes, down to his socks, and was feeling good about it.
"Really?" said my husband, as he looked at Dylan's black socks and neon shoes, things he would have never worn as a boy. Things he would never wear now, for that matter.
"He's got style! He's HAPPY." I said.
"True," said the husband, shaking his head, but smiling too.
Last night I made a cake and Dylan's favorite meal, spaghetti, for dinner, as a little back to school celebration.
This morning, I packed him a lunch ("Peanut butter with honey, not jam!") and wrote him a note.
Every first day of school, we measure him, and I cannot get over how much he grows every year. It makes my mama heart ache and fill with pride at the same time, because even though he drives me crazy, he is sweet and kind and polite and funny and respectful and growing up only makes him more fun, more loveable and how is that even possible because look at this. This is loveable!
And yet, I wouldn't go back. Not back to first day of kindergarten or preschool. Not to little plaid shorts and baby smirks. Not to first steps, or first days, even. Because I love the person this boy is, and is growing into.
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